The Joke Thread

Subject: Re: The Joke Thread Thu Feb 05, 2009 3:00 am

A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs outside, and I was in the wrong one!

Subject: Re: The Joke Thread Tue Feb 10, 2009 4:03 am

I went to see my friends new baby today, she asked me if i'd like to wind it?..I thought "fuck me thats a bit harsh!"....so I just gave it a dead leg! Wink

Subject: Re: The Joke Thread Tue Feb 10, 2009 6:57 am

RFFB wrote:: What has a hazelnut in every bite..........................?

........SQUIRREL SHIT!!!!
(unless you know the 'Topic' advert this ain't gonna make any sence!!!)

I only just saw this. That's funny!!!

What about whirlnut whips too? opps

Subject: Re: The Joke Thread Tue Feb 10, 2009 7:53 am

Why does Michael JAckson like 29 yr olds?

Cus there are 20 of them!!! Laughing

Subject: Re: The Joke Thread Tue Feb 10, 2009 8:43 am

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson & a carrier bag?

One is made of plastic & harmful to children, the other you carry your shopping in! Wink

Subject: Re: The Joke Thread Tue Feb 10, 2009 10:21 am

A woman goes into the doctors with a large leaf in her ear.
The doctor says "Good lord woman, you've got a lettuce growing out of your ear ! "
The woman says " It gets worse, that's just the tip of the iceberg ! " Rolling Eyes

Subject: Re: The Joke Thread Wed Feb 11, 2009 2:08 am

Roger H wrote:: A woman goes into the doctors with a large leaf in her ear.
The doctor says "Good lord woman, you've got a lettuce growing out of your ear ! "
The woman says " It gets worse, that's just the tip of the iceberg ! "

A few of you should know this one...

A guy walks into the Dr's Office with a Frog on his head...

Dr asks what happened? Frog says it started with a bump on my ass!

Subject: Re: The Joke Thread Wed Feb 11, 2009 2:45 am

Pacific cruise ship sinks with only 3 survivors, Keith, Darren, & Claire. They swim to a small island & live there for a couple of years doing what comes naturally. But Claire feels so bad about having sex with both men, so she kills herself. Very sad for Keith & Darren, but they get over it & again nature takes it's course. After a couple more years the lads feel really guilty about what they are doing...............So they bury her! Wink

Subject: Re: The Joke Thread Wed Feb 11, 2009 2:59 am

Matty35 wrote:: Pacific cruise ship sinks with only 3 survivors, Keith, Darren, & Claire. They swim to a small island & live there for a couple of years doing what comes naturally. But Claire feels so bad about having sex with both men, so she kills herself. Very sad for Keith & Darren, but they get over it & again nature takes it's course. After a couple more years the lads feel really guilty about what they are doing...............So they bury her!

Subject: Re: The Joke Thread Wed Feb 11, 2009 1:25 pm

Matty35 wrote:: Pacific cruise ship sinks with only 3 survivors, Keith, Darren, & Claire. They swim to a small island & live there for a couple of years doing what comes naturally. But Claire feels so bad about having sex with both men, so she kills herself. Very sad for Keith & Darren, but they get over it & again nature takes it's course. After a couple more years the lads feel really guilty about what they are doing...............So they bury her!

PMSL!!!!

Big time!!!

Subject: Re: The Joke Thread Wed Feb 11, 2009 1:27 pm

Kevin Keegan has just been banned from driving but he says it doesn't matter because he's a walker!

Subject: Re: The Joke Thread Wed Feb 11, 2009 1:51 pm

Matty35 wrote:: Pacific cruise ship sinks with only 3 survivors, Keith, Darren, & Claire. They swim to a small island & live there for a couple of years doing what comes naturally. But Claire feels so bad about having sex with both men, so she kills herself. Very sad for Keith & Darren, but they get over it & again nature takes it's course. After a couple more years the lads feel really guilty about what they are doing...............So they bury her!

EWW, Ewww, and EWWWWW again!!!

Subject: Re: The Joke Thread Wed Feb 11, 2009 1:53 pm

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

Subject: Re: The Joke Thread Wed Feb 11, 2009 9:53 pm

What's green and smells of pork ?

Kermit's finger.

Subject: Re: The Joke Thread Thu Feb 12, 2009 9:18 am

Roger H wrote:: What's green and smells of pork ?

Kermit's finger.

OMG!!! Eww!! LOLOLOLOL lol!

Good one!!

Subject: Re: The Joke Thread Tue Feb 17, 2009 3:22 am

Whats the difference between a woman & a condom?.....Nothing!, If they're not on your cock they're in your wallet! Wink

Subject: Re: The Joke Thread Tue Feb 17, 2009 7:45 am

WHY MEN DONT WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS

Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?
Yours Sincerely,
Jane

Dear Jane,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by avariety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is nodebrisin the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses ontheintake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of theseapproaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself isfaulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,
Walter

Subject: Re: The Joke Thread Fri Feb 20, 2009 4:54 am

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!" she said.

"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."

"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."

"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"

"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"

Subject: Re: The Joke Thread Wed Feb 25, 2009 6:14 am

A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him. He asks what is the matter. She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?" Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won £40. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him again. asing her what the matter was now, she replied "Your horse phoned."

Subject: Re: The Joke Thread Wed Feb 25, 2009 8:14 pm

Matty35 wrote:: A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him. He asks what is the matter. She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?" Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won £40. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him again. asing her what the matter was now, she replied "Your horse phoned."

thats good!!!