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 The Joke Thread

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Roger. H

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Thu Mar 24, 2011 1:45 am

RFFB wrote:
Chrissy wrote:
Oh come on it was silly.... Cool
Man Eater.

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing


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Roger. H

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Mon Jan 23, 2012 2:36 am

Couldn't believe that it took our Polish cleaner an hour and a half just to hoover the front room, it was then I realised she was Slovak. Very Happy
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Chrissy

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Tue Jan 31, 2012 6:56 pm


One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better
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Pete

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Mon Apr 30, 2012 1:24 am

Roy Hodgson: England manager!
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Roger. H

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Mon Apr 30, 2012 1:48 am

Pete wrote:
Roy Hodgson: England manager!

He'll be up there with the greats like Steve McClaren and Don Revie.
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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Mon Apr 30, 2012 1:51 am

Roger. H wrote:
Pete wrote:
Roy Hodgson: England manager!

He'll be up there with the greats like Steve McClaren and Don Revie.


Oh yes. Still without Shrek for the first two games we have a ready made excuse for not getting anywhere...again!
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Roger. H

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Mon Apr 30, 2012 2:15 am

Pete wrote:
Roger. H wrote:
Pete wrote:
Roy Hodgson: England manager!

He'll be up there with the greats like Steve McClaren and Don Revie.


Oh yes. Still without Shrek for the first two games we have a ready made excuse for not getting anywhere...again!

Best to concentrate on the Olympics rather than the Euros. Rolling Eyes
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Chrissy

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Tue Jul 24, 2012 9:04 am

Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo
clubhouse when Guido loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and
drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing,
but standing up.

At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna'
tell his wife?"

They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any
worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my
middle name. Leave it to me!"

So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door. The wife
answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is
afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.
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