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 The Joke Thread

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Frethead

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Thu Jun 24, 2010 8:49 am

Had to ask Julie send this to me from her phone:

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?! He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires. So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished writing the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a Moron in Blue.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, ' Obama '08.' I try to have a little fun each day, now that I'm retired.

[b]
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Chrissy

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Thu Jun 24, 2010 9:40 am

OMG!!!!! happy boy happy boy happy boy
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Chrissy

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Fri Jun 25, 2010 8:25 am

Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart



A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.


The Cow: I give 50 liters of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!


The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!

x


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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...
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Chrissy

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Jun 30, 2010 7:36 am

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen: "What would you like for dinner, Sweetie? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

...He said, "Thank you; I'll have chicken.."

She said "F**k You. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."
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Pete

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Jun 30, 2010 7:44 am

Chrissy wrote:
A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen: "What would you like for dinner, Sweetie? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

...He said, "Thank you; I'll have chicken.."

She said "F**k You. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."


You been listening in to conversations between Ruth & I??? Shocked
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Roger. H

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Jun 30, 2010 8:06 am

Pete wrote:
Chrissy wrote:
A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen: "What would you like for dinner, Sweetie? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

...He said, "Thank you; I'll have chicken.."

She said "F**k You. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."


You been listening in to conversations between Ruth & I??? Shocked

lol! lol! lol!
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Frethead

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Fri Jul 02, 2010 1:25 pm

A lawyer, a priest and a giraffe with a parrot on his shoulder walk into a bar. Barkeep says, 'This is a joke, isn't it?!"
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Chrissy

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Mon Nov 22, 2010 7:57 pm

<BLOCKQUOTE type="cite">I was in a restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my [color:32f8=#000]iPod



</BLOCKQUOTE>
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Pete

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Tue Nov 23, 2010 1:12 am

Fantastic joke that! Shocked Rolling Eyes
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Roger. H

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Tue Nov 23, 2010 3:00 am

lol! lol! Brilliant !!! Those Blockquotes get me everytime !!!!!! lol! lol!
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Chrissy

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Tue Nov 23, 2010 7:36 am

Oh hell!!!!!!

It posted last night then turned to that......
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Roger. H

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Tue Nov 23, 2010 7:46 am

Ooooooo!!!! A magical joke !!!! Shocked
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Chrissy

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Tue Nov 23, 2010 7:51 am

This lady walked into a resturant and sat at the counter...She had to pass gas really bad...Seeing that the music was playing very loud she timed her gas to the music to hide it...She looked around and saw everyone was looking at her and thats when she realized she was listening to her ipod..
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Roger. H

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Tue Nov 23, 2010 7:54 am

Rolling Eyes Bring back the blockquotes !!!!! Razz
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Chrissy

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Tue Nov 23, 2010 7:54 am

word
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Roger. H

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Nov 24, 2010 2:41 am

Isn't it weird, people in Bahrain don't like the Flintstones but Abu Dhabi do !! Very Happy
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Chrissy

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Nov 24, 2010 8:02 am

Go back to bed!
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Roger. H

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Wed Nov 24, 2010 9:54 am

na na na
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Chrissy

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sun Jan 30, 2011 8:08 am



A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane..

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat ... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his..

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."








Last edited by Chrissy on Sun Jan 30, 2011 12:01 pm; edited 1 time in total
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RFFB

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sun Jan 30, 2011 9:36 am

I don't know what's funnier...the joke...

or your fantastic posting skills...AGAIN!!!!!!

lol!

Do you ever check what you post when copying and pasting!!???... Rolling Eyes
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Roger. H

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sun Jan 30, 2011 9:38 am

happy boy happy boy happy boy happy boy happy boy happy boy
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Chrissy

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sun Jan 30, 2011 11:49 am

i previewed it....i'm just going to give up!!!!!!!
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RFFB

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sun Jan 30, 2011 12:33 pm

Chrissy wrote:
i previewed it....i'm just going to give up!!!!!!!
NO!!!!

Don't give up!

It's a source of constant amuzement!!!!!!

lol!
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Frethead

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sun Jan 30, 2011 4:04 pm

I'm sitting in the restaurant, o.k.? So , I order the bowl of soup. And, I say to the waiter, "Hey, waiter! Come over here and taste the soup!" So, the waiter comes to the table, and I say to him, " I want you to taste this soup." What's wrong with the soup?! You don't like it, I can bring you a different bowl." "I like this bowl." "The soup looks fine to me. " I tell him," I don't want you to look at the soup. I want you to taste the soup!" " Is it too cold, or too hot?" "No, taste the soup!" " So, the waiter says, " O.K. O.K. I'll taste the soup." "Where's the spoon?"


A-ha!
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Chrissy

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PostSubject: Re: The Joke Thread   Sun Jan 30, 2011 8:00 pm


European English:
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.


As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English' .

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.


In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.


Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.


During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.


Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.


Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

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