The Joke Thread

RFFB wrote:

Pete wrote:

Newcastle United.




Funniest joke on the planet!

In keeping with this...!

What's the difference between Alan Shearer and Newcastle United?...







Alan Shearer will still be on Match of the Day next season!!!!

Actually Adam I've had a rethink and I'd gladly swap NUFC for Blackburn Rovers, specifically for Fat Sham Allardyce to fail!

[quote="Pete"]

RFFB wrote:

Actually Adam I've had a rethink and I'd gladly swap NUFC for Blackburn Rovers, specifically for Fat Sham Allardyce to fail!

So would I!!!!!!!

Or Hull!!! 'cos they are the only other 2 teams that are also in contention for going down, if memory serves...

An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home. They undressed and were about to screw, The woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition.
"I should tell you, I have acute angina" she said.
The man replied, "thats good because you have the ugliest breasts I ever seen!"

I was walking with Jethro one day, when he stops and points to a wall and says " I've built dozens of walls, but do they call me Jethro the the wall builder ? No." We walk on for a while and he stops again and points at a driveway. " I've built dozens of driveways, but do they call me Jethro the driveway builder ? No." We walk on a little further and again he stops and points to a house and says " I've built dozens of houses, but do they call me Jethro the house builder ? No. And yet I shag one sheep.............!!!!!!!! "

^^^^

A Koala bear decides he wants to get laid, so he picks up a hooker. He goes down on her several times and they are really enjoying themselves. After they are finished the koala bear starts getting dressed.
The hooker says, "wheres my money?"
The koala bear shrugs his shoulders. The hooker repeats herself asking for her money. Again he shrugs his shoulders. The hooker grabs a dictionary and looks up the word hooker and shows it to the koala bear.
It says "gets paid for sex."
The koala bear picks up the dictionary and looks up Koala Bear and shows it to the hooker.
It says, "Eats bush and leaves!"

Matty35 wrote:

A Koala bear decides he wants to get laid, so he picks up a hooker. He goes down on her several times and they are really enjoying themselves. After they are finished the koala bear starts getting dressed.
The hooker says, "wheres my money?"
The koala bear shrugs his shoulders. The hooker repeats herself asking for her money. Again he shrugs his shoulders. The hooker grabs a dictionary and looks up the word hooker and shows it to the koala bear.
It says "gets paid for sex."
The koala bear picks up the dictionary and looks up Koala Bear and shows it to the hooker.
It says, "Eats bush and leaves!"

Or...Eats Shoots and leaves...

One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.
Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house. One day he he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!"
The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah".
The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!"
Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"
The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?"
So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

Did you hear about the guy who had a toy horse shoved up his arse ??
The doctors say his condition is stable.

Matty35 wrote:

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house. One day he he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!"
The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah".
The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!"
Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"
The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?"
So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

O'h the power of the triangle!!!!!

One of the most salient and pervasive features of our culture is that there is so much bullshit. It is something that everyone recognizes, as everyone contributes his or her own share. We do, however, tend to take the situation or the condition, as it were, for granted. Most people, thus, are rather confident in their ability to recognize bullshit and avoid being taken in by it. So, the phenomenon has not aroused much deliberate concern, nor attracted much sustained inquiry.
Of consequence, we have no clear understanding of what bullshit is, why there is so much of it, or what function it serves. As well, we lack a conscientiously developed appreciation of what it literally means to us. In other words, we have no theory.
I propose to begin the development of a theoretical understanding of bullshit, by mainly providing some tentative and exploratory philosophical analysis. My aim is to simply give a rough account of what bullshit IS, and how this differs from what IT IS NOT - or, to put it somewhat differently . . . to articulate more or less sketchily, the structure of it's concept.
Any suggestion about what conditions are logically both necessary and sufficient for the constitution of bullshit is bound to be somewhat arbitrary. For one thing, the expression "bullshit" is employed quite loosely- simply as a general term of abuse, with no very specific literal meaning. For another, the phenomenon itself is so vast and amorphous that no crisp and perspicuous analysis of it's concept can avoid being categorically procrustean. Nonetheless, the possibility exists for the statement,"putting forth," or remark of something helpful, even though it is not likely to be decisive. Even the most basic and preliminary questions about bullshit remain, after-all, not only unanswered, but unasked.

A body builder was talking to his friend in the pub, " You know, I've taken so many steroids that I have grown another penis."
" Wow " his friend says " Anabolic ?"
" No, just a penis !"

Roger H wrote:

A body builder was talking to his friend in the pub, " You know, I've taken so many steroids that I have grown another penis."
" Wow " his friend says " Anabolic ?"
" No, just a penis !"

Knock-knock

O.K. I'll go for it !

Who's there??

You're such a sport!!!


(Knock-knock - who's there?)

Response: I don't know

I don't know, who ?

You don't know who what?!

I knew it!

Marty wrote:

I knew it!

I knew you knew it, Marty! LOL No, I mean, I know you knew it! Knew you know?! Canoe canoe?! LMAO

Owwww !!!!! My head really hurts !!!!!!

That was great, Roger! Thanks for playing along, buddy. I've got to hand it to you!