The Joke Thread

Andyearny wrote:

Hey Matty!!
Yeah been AWOL for a week or two.........first bit of quality time back on the comp for a while!!
How could i forget you guys.....i'm in this for the long haul!!


Real Madrid 0 Liverpool 1


http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/sport/football/article2272584.ece


Fuck the premiership!!

The best,
Andy

Hiya mate. I assume you are a Liverpool fan right? If so why are you linking to the s*n?

http://www.anfieldroad.com/dont-buy-the-sun/

Matty35 wrote:

Pete wrote:

Matty35 wrote:

Liverpool have blown it now Andy!!!

Who was the ONLY ENglish team not to win in Europe this week?

The same team who are 7 points clear of Liverpool, 10 points clear of Chelski & 100 years clear of everyone else

And STILL (only just mind) in OUR SHADOW!!!

Pete wrote:

Matty35 wrote:

Pete wrote:

Matty35 wrote:

Liverpool have blown it now Andy!!!

Who was the ONLY ENglish team not to win in Europe this week?

The same team who are 7 points clear of Liverpool, 10 points clear of Chelski & 100 years clear of everyone else

And STILL (only just mind) in OUR SHADOW!!!

Old Andy is a Pool fan, he thinks rubbing it in my face with his "Sun" link will make me wilt

& we have more away shirts than you


Glad to have you back Andy, dont leave it so long matey

Matty35 wrote:

Pete wrote:

Matty35 wrote:

Pete wrote:

Matty35 wrote:

Liverpool have blown it now Andy!!!

Who was the ONLY ENglish team not to win in Europe this week?

The same team who are 7 points clear of Liverpool, 10 points clear of Chelski & 100 years clear of everyone else

And STILL (only just mind) in OUR SHADOW!!!

Old Andy is a Pool fan, he thinks rubbing it in my face with his "Sun" link will make me wilt

& we have more away shirts than you


Glad to have you back Andy, dont leave it so long matey

Any Liverpool fan worth his salt shouldn't even consider referencing or linking to the s*n.

Apologies if that offends anyone but I wouldn't even wipe my cats ass with that rag!

Pete wrote:

Matty35 wrote:

Pete wrote:

Matty35 wrote:

Pete wrote:

Matty35 wrote:

Liverpool have blown it now Andy!!!

Who was the ONLY ENglish team not to win in Europe this week?

The same team who are 7 points clear of Liverpool, 10 points clear of Chelski & 100 years clear of everyone else

And STILL (only just mind) in OUR SHADOW!!!

Old Andy is a Pool fan, he thinks rubbing it in my face with his "Sun" link will make me wilt

& we have more away shirts than you


Glad to have you back Andy, dont leave it so long matey

Any Liverpool fan worth his salt shouldn't even consider referencing or linking to the s*n.

Apologies if that offends anyone but I wouldn't even wipe my cats ass with that rag!

Wot, not even page three?

Matty35 wrote:

Wot, not even page three?

Just buy a porn mag.

Anyone remember the, very!, short lived political party who called themselves something like 'The Campaign To Get the s*n Reclassified As A Comic Party'...hell, I'd have voted for them if they'd stood in my area!

the s*n is just utter, utter shite.

One day a hippy gets on a bus full of nuns. he looks around and see's
one that is looking particularily good. after he popped a stiffy he went up
to the nun and said I want to fu** you.

No replied the nun I am a woman of the lord i will never sleep with you

The hippy was really depressed, but on his way off the bus the bus
driver told him that the nun goes to the church to pray everynight at
midnight. all he had to do was get a god mask and tell her to screw him.

at exactly midnight the hippy spotted the nun go into the church, he
put on his mask and said I am god fu** me.

the nun then replied only in the ass though. the hippy agreed and they
got it on for hours.

when they were done the hippy took off his mask and shouted "ha, ha"
I'm the hippy
the nun then took off her mask and said "ha ha" I'm the bus driver.

A scouser goes into a job centre and says " I'm hard working, willing to do long hours and am desperate to find a job "
The agent says " You're in luck ! We have a vacancy with millionare who wants a driver to ferry his 18 year old nymphomaniac twin daughters around, and is offering £100,000 a year."
The scouser says " You're bullshitting me! "
So the agent says " Well you started it ! "

Roger H wrote:

A scouser goes into a job centre and says " I'm hard working, willing to do long hours and am desperate to find a job "
The agent says " You're in luck ! We have a vacancy with millionare who wants a driver to ferry his 18 year old nymphomaniac twin daughters around, and is offering £100,000 a year."
The scouser says " You're bullshitting me! "
So the agent says " Well you started it ! "

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

Interesting Year 1981
1 . Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. The pope died

Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament*
4. The pope died

Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope.

Matty35 wrote:

Interesting Year 1981
1 . Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. The pope died

Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament*
4. The pope died

Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope.

You forgot to mention the new Dr Who...too.

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered...................








The Teeth !!

Roger H wrote:

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered...................








The Teeth !!

that is just wrong!!!

thats great!!!!

Newcastle United.




Funniest joke on the planet!

Pete wrote:

Newcastle United.




Funniest joke on the planet!

Ohhh shit, that's deep!!

What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?

Fucks Funny!

Pete wrote:

Newcastle United.




Funniest joke on the planet!

In keeping with this...!

What's the difference between Alan Shearer and Newcastle United?...







Alan Shearer will still be on Match of the Day next season!!!!