The Joke Thread

Frethead wrote:

Roger H wrote:

Frethead="Roger H wrote:

Who are the innocents?

" 654,965, the estimated total number of Iraqis (within a range from about 400,000 to 950,000) who would not have died from any cause if the invasion had not occurred in March 2003. "

1 Who in the heck came up with that number? Scratch that. 2 How many more would have died if Hussein's government hadn't been overthrown?

1 An eminent research team from the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health in Baltimore, United States.

2 Who knows ? But then again all those wedding parties and school trips that were blasted to hell, just might have been concealing some mythical WMDs.

Sorry Fret, I ain't getting into this as we will fall out in a big way. We obviously have very different views on what went on and what is still going on. I have no desire to get into a political argument on a forum that has so far been a lot of fun and I don't want to spoil it.

I love the respect we show each other here. If more people took the time to just be respectful in their opposing views there would be far less problems in this world. There does not have to be a right or a wrong. Just respect....

I realized something in listening to everyone here and giving it some thought.. What I'm going to say is going to shock RFFB so honey sit down....You are right and i get it now...There I said it and on the joke thread..ha ha ha

Adam has been nice enough to introduce me to U.K. Football and we have had many discussions about why it ends in a draw if there is a tie and they don't just play till someone wins. Our conversations usually end with me yelling ," Quitters What do you mean the games over I have no closure!" and him yelling," Fuckin Americans someone always has to win don't they"...

I get it now..There doesn't have to be a winner just like in life...Go out and play and go home..if you win great and if you dont then next time and if there is a tie then its even ...It is what it is so go home you don't need to prove yourself right....I'm gonna eat a lot of English crow on this one and i still don't promise to be completly miffed when a good game ends in a draw but Adam I think I see your point... It so sad no one is going to back down on either side of politics ever, no matter the subject they always want a winner or a looser..I see now that wow a draw would be nice..Go grab a beer and go home...xxx

Chrissy wrote:

I love the respect we show each other here. If more people took the time to just be respectful in their opposing views there would be far less problems in this world. There does not have to be a right or a wrong. Just respect....

I realized something in listening to everyone here and giving it some thought.. What I'm going to say is going to shock RFFB so honey sit down....You are right and i get it now...There I said it and on the joke thread..ha ha ha

Adam has been nice enough to introduce me to U.K. Football and we have had many discussions about why it ends in a draw if there is a tie and they don't just play till someone wins. Our conversations usually end with me yelling ," Quitters What do you mean the games over I have no closure!" and him yelling," Fuckin Americans someone always has to win don't they"...

I get it now..There doesn't have to be a winner just like in life...Go out and play and go home..if you win great and if you dont then next time and if there is a tie then its even ...It is what it is so go home you don't need to prove yourself right....I'm gonna eat a lot of English crow on this one and i still don't promise to be completly miffed when a good game ends in a draw but Adam I think I see your point... It so sad no one is going to back down on either side of politics ever, no matter the subject they always want a winner or a looser..I see now that wow a draw would be nice..Go grab a beer and go home...xxx

Chrissy wrote:

Adam has been nice enough to introduce me to U.K. Football

Adam !! You tried to explain " U.K. Football " to an American ?? and not just an American, an American Female !!??? Even the off-side rule !!?? Sir, you are my hero and I salute you.

I decided to move this post into it's own thread...The Joke Thread just wasn't the right place for it...

Roger H wrote:

Chrissy wrote:

Adam has been nice enough to introduce me to U.K. Football

Adam !! You tried to explain " U.K. Football " to an American ?? and not just an American, an American Female !!??? Even the off-side rule !!?? Sir, you are my hero and I salute you.

The operative word here is 'tried!!!!!'...not sure how much Chrissy got! But at least Chrissy has seen it's not 'a silly game!' and has learned that football and soccer are actually the same game we call it what it is!!!!!!!

I was astounded when Chrissy said she'd watched part of a Newcastle game online! Hell, I can't even find online footgame games!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What comes from Iceland and causes havoc at airports?










































Bjork!

Funny!!!!

There is a name that fell off the radar....What a freak...

How do you kill a circus ??

Go for the juggler.

Roger H wrote:

How do you kill a circus ??

Go for the juggler.

Two muffins in an oven, one says to the other " Phew !! it's hot in here !!"
the other muffin says " F***in' hell !! a talking muffin !!! "

cute!!!!!

This is kinda true HAAA!!!

Chicago Slang-- I spent two days downtown on jury duty this week and it reminded me about our youth. However, when we grew up on the South Side, this wasn't slang. It was communication! Thought you'd enjoy it...

1. Grachki (grach'-key): Chicagoese for 'garage key' as in, 'Yo, Theresa, waja do wit da grachki? How my supposta cut da grass if I don't git intada grach?'


2. Sammich: Chicagoese for sandwich. When made with sausage, it's a sassage sammich; when made with shredded beef, it's an Italian Beef sammich, a local delicacy consisting of piles of spicy meat in a perilously soggy bun.
3. Da: This article is a key part of Chicago speech, as in 'Da Bears' or 'Da Mare' -- the latter denoting Richard M. Daley, or Richie, as he's often called.
4. Jewels: a popular name for one of the region's dominant grocery store chains. 'I'm goin' to the Jewels to pick up some sassage.'
5. Field's: Marshall Field, a prominent Chicago department store. Also Carson Pirie Scott, another major department store chain, is simply called ' Carson 's.'
6. Tree: The number between two and four. 'We were lucky dat we only got tree inches of snow da udder night.'
7. Over by dere: Translates to 'over by there,' a way of emphasizing a site presumed familiar to the listener. As in, 'I got the sassage at the Jewels down on Kedzie, over by dere.'
8. Kaminski Park : The mispronounced name of the ballpark where the Chicago White Sox (da Sox) play baseball. Comiskey Park was renamed U.S. Cellular Field (da Cell)
9. Frunchroom: As in, 'Get outta da frunchroom wit dose muddy shoes.' It's not the 'parlor.' It's not the 'living room.' In the land of the bungalow, it's the 'frunchroom,' a named derived, linguists believe, from 'front room.'
10. Use: Not the verb, but the plural pronoun 'you!' 'Where use goin'?'
11. Downtown: Anywhere near The Lake, south of The Zoo (Lincoln Park Zoo) and north of Soldier Field.
12. The Lake: Lake Michigan. (What other lake is there?) It's often used by local weathermen, 'cooler by The Lake.'
14. Braht: Short for Bratwurst. 'Gimme a braht wit kraut.'
15. Goes: Past or present tense of the verb 'say.' For example, 'Den he goes, 'I like this place'!'
16. Guys: Used when addressing two or more people, regardless of each individual's gender.
17. Pop: A soft drink. Don't say 'soda' in this town. 'Do ya wanna canna pop?'
18 Sliders: Nickname for hamburgers from White Castle, a popular Midwestern burger chain. 'Dose sliders I had last night war da bes!
19. The Taste: The Taste of Chicago Festival, a huge extravaganza in Grant Park featuring samples of Chicagoland cuisine which takes place each year around the Fourth of July holiday.
20. 'Jeetyet?': Translates to, 'Did you eat yet?'
21. Winter and Construction: Punch line to the joke, 'What are the two seasons in Chicago ?'
22. Cuppa Too-Tree: is Chicagoese for 'a couple, two, three' which really means 'a few.' For example, 'Hey Mike, dere any beerz left in da cooler over by dere?' 'Yeh, a cuppa too-tree.'
23. 588-2300: Everyone in Chicago knows this commercial jingle and the carpet company you'll get if you call that number -- Empire!
24. Junk Dror: You will usually find the 'junk drawer' in the kitchen filled to the brim with miscellaneous, but very important, junk.
25. Southern Illinois: Anything south of I-80. This is where Smothers' is from...
26. Expressways: The Interstates in the immediate Chicagoland area are usually known just by their 'name' and not their Interstate number: the Dan Ryan ('da Ryan'), the Stevenson, the Kennedy (da 'Kennedy'), the Eisenhower (da 'Ike'), and the Edens (just 'Edens' but Da Edens' is acceptable).
27. Gym Shoes: The rest of the country may refer to them as sneakers or running shoes but Chicagoans will always call them gym shoes!

Now I'll know to talk if I ever go to Chicago!

Tree......the number between two and four OMG I can't stop laughing.......

That was awesome, Marty! Kickin' my ass! LMBO Kaminsky Park LLLL -LLL -LLL -LL

A cup, too-tree is waaay too funny, and I could have sworn that "588-23 hundred, Em-pire!" was in Central Florida somewhere! Ah been bouncin' around, singin' dat tune for turdy frih kin yee-ahs!

So, did you hear the one about the cannibal that passed his uncle in the woods?

Frethead wrote:

That was awesome, Marty! Kickin' my ass! LMBO Kaminsky Park LLLL -LLL -LLL -LL

A cup, too-tree is waaay too funny, and I could have sworn that "588-23 hundred, Em-pire!" was in Central Florida somewhere! Ah been bouncin' around, singin' dat tune for turdy frih kin yee-ahs!

So, did you hear the one about the cannibal that passed his uncle in the woods?

I've been singin that for thirty years too Fret. 588-2300 empire...hmmm

Hey that joke is gross...

Did you hear about the Rabbi who collected all the foreskins from the circumcisions he performed ? He had them dried and cured then made into a wallet !!
Trouble was that when he stroked it, it turned into a suitcase.

The Bridge



A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I , and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.












God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Girls take note...



and remember it!!!!!

What's wrinkled and smells like ginger?
Fred Astaire's face.

RFFB wrote:

Girls take note...



and remember it!!!!!

Ahh so thats how its done...Good to know!

A very scientifical question from Stanlee Roberts "If you are driving a watermelon, and one of the wings fall off, how many pineapples would it take to shingle a roof? Answer: None, silly goose, icecream doesn't have any bones!!! Hahahaha....What??

Chrissy wrote:

A very scientifical question from Stanlee Roberts "If you are driving a watermelon, and one of the wings fall off, how many pineapples would it take to shingle a roof? Answer: None, silly goose, icecream doesn't have any bones!!! Hahahaha....What??

Huh?

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?" "Because the shit is running down my back!"